The definition of love means intense affection. Respect means to feel or show deferential regard for something or someone. Is respect something that should be earned? Is love something you choose? Do they go together or can you have one without the other?

Because you were born, are you obligated to love your parents? Would you want to be with your dying parent out of love or respect? Could you stay away because the relationship ended years ago? Could you live with the guilt afterwards if you weren't there? These are disturbing questions many children have asked themselves. This story addresses this issue.

He came into the care center pulling 2 suitcases. He looked exhausted. I introduced myself and said, "You either need a porter or a cup of coffee?" He said, "I just flew in. I was told my father's death was eminent."

He put his bags down and went into his father's room. He came back and sat down. He said, "I had a difficult decision to make last night. I didn't know whether I would come here or not. Then on the flight, all I did was pray that I'd make it here before he passed away. I had to come out of respect for my father. I didn't do it because I love him. You must think that's a terrible thing to say."

'No, I said, I've heard other children express the same feeling. All that matters now is that you're here. Nothing else is important. You did what was right. You were fortunate to still have time."

He said, "I never had a good relationship with him. Since I was a child he found fault with everything I did. I couldn't live up to his expectations. I never asked him why we didn't get along. I got sick of the arguments and moved away. We haven't kept in touch. When I heard he was dying I didn't know what to do. Finally I realized I had no choice. He's my father. I hadn't seen him in years, but I owed it to him. I couldn't live with myself later on if I didn't give him the respect he deserves. I'm not sorry to say that I don't love him, but I do care. He picked up his bags and went into the room. His father died 2 hours later.

In the end, it didn't matter whether he came out of love or respect. What was important is that he was with his father when he died. It took a lot of courage and compassion for him to come here at this time. Whatever happened in the past was not an issue now. If possible, it's important to be with a dying parent even if it's painful or disturbing. Being there during this time can bring comfort and peace of mind afterwards. The past is history and the present is a gift. If you answer with your heart, you will always make the right choice.

Susan is a volunteer at Hospice By The Sea. She can be reached at: smintz@aol.com. Her web address is: