 Turn Exercise Into Entertainment
How Old Are You Really?
For All You Workout Buffs
Consequences Of Low Carbohydrate
High Protein Diets
Spring Is Blooming Out All Over!
Everything You Always Wanted To
Know...But Were Afraid To Ask?
Why Membership Cards ?
 FOR ALL YOU WORKOUT BUFFS 
Those of you
who have personal trainers, and know the unusual love-hate relationship between you and
your trainer will appreciate the following e-mail circulating on the internet.
Exercise Diary
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I
called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old
aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how
enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggest I keep this Exercise Diary to chart my progress this
week.
Day 1
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health
club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a
dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on
the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing
next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it
in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my
back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven
sake!
Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full
mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a
Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members.
The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
elevators? Tanya told me that regular exercise would make me live longer, I can't imagine
anything worse.
Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was
half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift
dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word 'dumb' must be in there for a reason. I hid in
the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history
of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with
it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for Tanya,
I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any
barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. You
are to blame.
The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music or social studies teacher?
Day 6
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength
to use the TV remote. So I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7
Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over, Maybe next time my wife will give me
something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam or gum surgery.
Top of Page
Back to Home Page
|
